The spectre in the corner...

It's there. In the shadows in the corner. I know it's there. I'm just constantly waiting for the time that it's going to do something... change something, wreak havoc, attack, or just loom behind you casting a shadow and making your freak out because you know it's there looming... I don't know.

In case people have wondered... Gee, she used to post funny stuff all the time on Facebook or silly status messages on G-chat! She used to organize stuff more. Ooh. Why haven't we heard any progress about a really cool costume this year?

This is what my life has been like for 2+ years now.
This is what I need to/am doing... or at least trying to do.

I have very limited creative juice left these days. I'm spending 40 hours a week working a job that "sucks", but that I realize may only really "suck" because everything else is highly stressful, so I decompress at work & then don't do my work sometimes & then have to work when I don't want to because I still need to get the shit done. When I'm not at work, I'm trying to make sure I get enough exercise & eat well enough so that I can keep my mood stable enough to keep myself together (what I eat drastically affects my mood). I'm also trying to make sure that I get out & see friends and hang with people because doing fun things with people who like me is extremely beneficial.... at all times & especially now. I'm finding it hard & difficult when I see all my friends "progressing" with their lives - having children, getting new jobs, talking about how wonderful life & marriage and relationships are - while I feel like I'm stuck in a tar pit, not able to move, and knowing that there should be a rescue team on the way at some point, but having no idea when the hell they'll show up & pull us out and we can start moving again. Waiting... kills... me. * head to wall *

Don't get me wrong. I know we're doing what we should be doing. I know things are moving, but it's slow. Baby steps. Waiting... augh!

I go through phases where things seem "normal" again. When we really got the ball rolling on treatments and for the two months after J started taking meds, I saw a noticeable improvement. He's being more rational, more even keeled.... but it's not 100%. I know it's supposed to help over time and that it's a slow process, but I guess I got my hopes up and convinced myself that there's an end in sight. I had fingernails for 2 months. I got inspired to create. I laughed, smiled & talked. It felt good.

Recently I came to the realization that while there's an end somewhere (hopefully), it's not in sight. There's a rope leading into a dark tunnel and there's an end somewhere, we think, but right now we just have to keep following the rope into the unknown and hope that it leads us out. I hate waiting. I hate living in a world of unknown. I hate living in a situation that I have no control over. But I have to focus myself away from the hate and as the British say "Keep Calm & Carry On." Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I want to reenact a Sophie Kinsella novel (which I've never really respected, by the way) - heroine gets in really deep trouble, runs away from all her problems, has fantastic adventures, and then the problems go away and life ends up happy & more fabulous than it was before she ran away from her problems.  Not practical.  ("F#ck practical!," says the little voice in my head).

This got posted yesterday. It seems... appropriate? Everybody around me seems to be in some sort of stress, depression or crisis. I'll blame it all on Fox News.




In the end, I feel like I'm emanating bad vibes to the point where I'm unpleasant to be around right now.  I really feel like I'm not me unless absolutely nothing's stressing me out.  I feel like the currently every-day-stressball that is me is someone I wouldn't want to introduce to new people.  I need to run or swim more (gets the angst-energy out & centers me).  I get frustrated because I know the fixes, but can't always follow through on them.

On the up-side, things aren't all bad.  At least we ARE doing what we're supposed to be doing to take care of all this shit.  I've been fortunate to get some time to explore and work on other ideas.  Things suck & I might be teetering on the edge, but I'm so far managing to keep myself from going over the edge (I think?).  I've managed to learn buckets about myself, my brain & my body (since that's the only thing I have some modicum of control over right now & I'm really putting it through the paces).  Some of my friends have been really supportive and I've also had some really amazing people come into my life this year and I can't even begin to say how much any of you all mean to me.  I love you guys.

In the end, I'm looking forward to making some self-preservation Samhain Resolutions soon (no, not a religious thing, I just like samhain & figure resolutions help more if you make them BEFORE the glutton period instead of trying to make up for it after!  Haha!)  and might consider changing my motto from 'keep calm & carry on' to:

Get Angry and Charge Forth!


That is all.